Things I Learned, Boogieboarding on Waikiki

- the Hilton's waves are all protected by breakwaters, and the HPD doesn't want you to go out there (they watch with binoculars from shore) so its best to walk down to the Royal Hawaiian (the Pink one) and the Sheraton, where there's no breakwaters, and the waves are better.

- when looking for someone on shore who can watch your "stuff" while you go out in the surf, and you're a middle aged man, opt for the 2 heavy set mainlander women who are sitting under an umbrella with a cooler nearby and a pile of Coors Light empties around said cooler. This is, as opposed to, the 2 young ladies your son's age who were speaking French and smoking, while sunning themselves in suits they last wore in St.Tropez. The older mainlanders will be happy you stopped to talk to them, and they ain't leavin' before the cooler is empty.

- coral is sharp. Wear the Columbia Footwear velcro'ed all-terrain trackers you brought, that you absentmindedly left near the Coors light cooler and umbrella.

- those 3 scientists, standing in knee high water, 100 yards off shore (the Indian guy, the pasty hairy (probably Jewish) guy, and the mom in the one piece, who are talking about patients and mouse models) are strangely enjoying the 8 foot waves that nearly knock them over as an out-washing rip-tide wave meets an incoming wave, and they crash above the heads of the Indian and pasty-curly-black-haired guy

- when you try and catch the next 6 to 8 ft wave and ride it on your boogie board, you will be invariably knocked sideways by the same type of rip-tide cross-shore wave that was bludgeoning the 3 scientists, 20 yards away

- when there's a huge tropical storm a few hundred miles offshore, it whips up some hellacious waves

- when you head back to shore, after an hour, you'll notice that you're now more than 200 yards down the shore away from the umbrella and cooler and (now) crocked heavyset women who have nearly emptied it. Your glasses and room key and swim goggles are still there.

- when you are walking back to your hotel, and you get stuck in the middle of an English Garden Club ladies' vacation tour, the word "Bugger" will be heard from these ladies' mouths, approx every 30 seconds, as in "Tell him to bugger off", "if he doesn't appreciate you, he can bugger himself", "Oh bugger!" etc. ...sort of like "Keeping Up Appearances" meets "South Park".