Friday, May 21, 2010

Texan Language & Perspective

As a resident of Arizona - which is now the focus and butt of national and international jokes, avoidance, and scrutiny - and as the writer of a blog that gets several dozen hits from Texas every week, I wanted to take a moment to remind visitors here, that Arizona does not have a monopoly on kookocracy, and the people who promote kookocracy. We're just trying to catch up with some of the other states. For today's blog posting, we'll focus upon the Republic of Texas.

Our last president said he was from Texas, though he grew up in Maine, and attended daddy's ivy league alma mater. He had a proclivity for droppin' all the g's from nearly all his gerunds, and creating his own words.

W was not the only one who wanted to ban spearmints involving human-animal hybrids. Staffers would frequently need to spline things to him, or spleen them repeatedly.

He said he could speak Spanish, but il est parler Espanol comme une vache Polonaise (he spoke Spanish like a Polish cow). Succeeding W as the Lone Star State's governor is secessionist Rick Perry - man, I hope Oklahoma, Arkansas, Louisiana, and New Mexico build a border wall after Texas secedes!

While Arizonians have a xenophobic streak in them that has gotten the state national attention, we've never had a President or a Vice President of the United States from Arizona. And while W was a recently disastrous president from Texas, there was another Texas candidate, back in 1992, who was of diminutive stature, and a very wealthy business man, H.Ross Perot. He was wacky enough to make W look somewhat normal in retrospect.

For an excellent & hilarious example, you can see the Classic SNL skit parody, depicting the 1992 Presidential Debates (transcript here) with candidate Perot, very on-the-mark:

"Bernard Shaw: ... If Kitty Dukakis were raped and murdered, would you favor the death penalty for her assailant?
Jane Pauley: Mr. Perot? Rebuttal.
Ross Perot: I was hoping we'd get into the issues, but if this is the way the game is played - fine. So, if somebody were to lay a finger on Kitty Dukakis, I wouldn't kill him right away. That'd be too easy. I'd wait for a hot Texas day, see? Tie him to a stake, get an ant trail going. You know, Texas red ants, inch long! Just love to bite into human flesh, catch what I'm saying here? See, they're eating him alive, nice and slow like. And I'd sit with him in the shade under an umbrella, maybe with a lemonade, sit back and say to the fella, "How do you like them apples?" And he'll be screaming, "When am I gonna die?" and I'd say, "I don't know exactly, and frankly, I resent your question." Catch my drift? (Heh heh heh...)"

If I've offended any Texans, I don't apologize. Other states will come later. I'm offended by many of my fellow Arizonians, but in a democracy, that's normal.


Everything's bigger in Texas.... except when they're tiny.

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