CFL = completely flaccid & lackluster

In an effort to conserve energy, reduce my SRP bill, and be more green, I've changed over most of the incandescent lighting in my home to CFLs. CLFs are supposed to mean "compact fluorescent lights" of course, but there's many practical problems with these lights.

1. First, there's the lag time when turning them on - as in walking into a dark room, and having to wait 2 seconds for them to flicker to life so as not to step on the cat.
2. Then, there's the pallid, sickly. un-natural glow they put off that makes everything look washed out and anemic.
3. On my outdoor garage lights, installed at the same time, the two GE 17W CFLs have shown inconsistent burn lives and significantly variable brightness (twice the lumens from the right side, as the left side).
4. They've got the neurotoxin mercury in them, that my incandescent lights never did.
   

These mala praxis cause me to think of other names more appropriate for CFLs:

• Colluded Fescennine Luminescence
• Custard-like Frequency Laggard
• Complètement Fou Luminaires
• Certainly Frickin Lifeless
• Claudication For Lassitude
• Calumny Falsifies Lucency
• Creating the Façade of Luminiferousness
• Certainly Fraudulent & Listless
• Circumventive Faux Languor
• Corporately Feculent & Lymphatic
• Certifiably Failed & Lukewarm
• Chromatically Flat & Laughable
• Contra- Florid Letdown
• Cyst-like Feckless & Limp
• Conclusively Frail Luminaria
• Cheap & Falsely Lambent ...and
• Chinese Fabricated Lumps-of-crap

If you have a favorite alternative name for CFLs, I'd like to hear it.