Thursday, July 2, 2009

Do you golf?

In the last 2 months, I've been asked "Do you golf?" by 4 different people. I've calmly replied, after biting my tongue, with a simple "no, but I do miniature golf from time to time, I enjoy tangling with windmills and alligators". I've not gone on a rant, but I recall, inwardly, word for word, the sage perspective of George Carlin, R.I.P: (video link here - advance to 2:44)

I know where we can build housing for the homeless: golf courses. Perfect: golf courses. Just what we need: plenty of good land in nice neighborhoods, land that is currently being wasted on a meaningless, mindless activity engaged in primarily by white, well-to-do male businessmen who use the game to get together to make deals to carve this country up a little finer among themselves.

I am getting tired, really getting tired of these golfing c*cks*ckers in their green pants and their yellow pants and their orange pants, and their precious little hats and their cute little golf carts.

It is time to reclaim the golf courses from the wealthy and turn them over to the homeless. Golf is an arrogant, elitist game and it takes up entirely too much room in this country.

It is an arrogant on its very design alone. Just the design of the game speaks of arrogance. Think of how big a golf course is. The ball is that f*cking big! What do these pin-headed pr*cks need with all that land? There are 17,000 golf courses in America. They average over 150 acres a piece. That’s 3 million-plus acres; 4,820 square miles. You could build two Rhode Islands and a Delaware for the homeless on the land currently being wasted on this meaningless, mindless, arrogant, elitist, racist — there’s another thing: the only blacks you’ll find in country clubs are carrying trays — and a boring game. Boring game for boring people. Have you ever watched golf on television? It’s like watching flies F*ck.

And a mindless game, mindless. Think of the intellect it must take to draw pleasure from this activity: hitting a ball with a crooked stick, and then walking after it! And then hitting it again! I say, “Pick it up A**h*le, you’re lucky you found the f*cking thing. Put it in your pocket and go home, you’re a winner. You’re a winner — you found it!”

No, no chance of that happening. “Dorko” in the plaid knickers is going to hit it again and walk some more. Let these rich cocksuckers play miniature golf. Let him f*ck with a windmill for an hour and a half or so, see if there’s really any skill among these people.

I know there are some people who play golf who don’t consider themselves rich. F*ck ‘em! And shame on them for engaging in an arrogant, elitist past time.

If you golf, that's fine for you. You're part of a shrinking American population. I hope you enjoy it - my older brother sure used to - and I hope you're not one of the Plutocrats I'll be mentioning later this weekend, who use the past-time to further their good-ole-boy machinations.


  1. Geez. So what sports are on your approved list? I need to know so I can endeavor not to be an elitist, arrogant, mindless racist.

  2. All sorts of sports are fine, whatever floats your boat. You can own your own island and hunt humans if that's what you like, or play Buzkashi if that's your thing. How others spend their time in recreational physical activities is not for me to judge. I know what I like, and what I don't, for me personally. I am not Carlin himself, I'm just a fan of his catalog of work.

  3. Matt's standard response when asked if I golf: "Oh gawd no! Hate the game. Hate the people who play it even more!" Got that from Kids in the Hall like 20 years ago and it still works.

    BTW golf is not a "sport" any more than pinball is a sport. It's a game.

  4. LOL! Thanks for the KitH link, I'd forgotten about that skit.

    Games, sports, matches - it's all semantics. Recreational activities, be it poker, pinball, chess, weight lifting, synchronized water ballet, diving, curling, grand-theft-auto-san-andreas, Doom, Quake, beer pong, cricket, football, or women's fast pitch softball... whatever the case is, they're all ways to spend time and burn some amount of calories (mentally, or physically, or both). I don't get wrapped around the axle on the label so much, as I actively avoid the genres I don't enjoy.

    Too bad there's no longer any KitH type effective comedy groups now-a-days. The "Whitest Kids You Know" on IFC is marginally funny, sometimes. "Almost Live" used to be Hilarious, but they became extinct about 15 years ago ( Speed Walker and The Lame List - LMAO!)


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