Saturday, June 28, 2008

5 sausages

I'm sitting at a small 2 person table at 630am this morning in the Holiday Inn Crowne Plaza in Greenville, enjoying my yogurt and fresh strawberries and pineapple, when I notice a large mass... a giant object, of gravitational proportions, approach the breakfast bar. This man was at least 400 lbs, but closer to 500 maybe, standing less than 6 ft tall, and at least 6 feet around. He was so enormous, that the large serving spoon in his hand looked like the kind of tiny spoon you'd feed pureed peas to an infant. The tongs he wielded to shovel an entire plate of bacon and 5 large breakfast sausages onto his plate appeared to be merely tweezers. This man was not "offensive line-man football player big", he was Jabba-the-Hut super sized. He scooped up an entire 12 inch plate of bacon and sausage, and then heaped a second plate of biscuits, gravy, hash browns, and eggs. It was easily a 6000 calorie feast.

I didn't think anymore about this gargantuan creature until I arrived at the airport, and noticed GSP now has free WiFi. How nice! I found a duplex plug on the floor, settled in between the Delta and NW counters, and booted up my GE laptop. As the encryption screens were processing, the floor began to shake. A commuter flight had just sped down the runway, reached rotational speed, and was rising into the thickly humid Carolina sky... was that what was shaking the ground? No. Gigantor from the Crowne Plaza was waddling - legs so ladened with lipids a normal walking gait was not possible - this giant man was shaking the very airport as he walked behind me, 10 feet away. As the distance grew and his gravitational pull decreased, so did the amplitude of the floor's vibrations. While composing this text, The American Heart Association's 'warning poster boy' plodded along back from the snack bar where he needed yet another orally fixated hit of processed food heroine. In these last 2 paragraphs, approx 2 dozen people have traversed the same walkway behind me. Not a single one of the 'normally sized' Americans who passed by caused the floor to perceptibly shake, so I know I was not imagining it.

How does anyone get to be so massive, and stay that way? The food bill alone that such an appetite requires must be mind boggling. The plane I am wait listed on Stand-by to fly on is full this morning, so I have another 30 minutes of waiting for the gate agent to tell me if I will or won't be able to get on this flight. Hopefully, karma won't have me sitting next to this human blob on the Canada Air Jet that NW has parked at gate B4... il faut voir (parkalam - Tamil for we shall see).


  1. I think it's pretty easy to stay fat once you are fat. Not hard to get fatter, either.

    Sounds like he was abusing the buffet concept, though. I wonder what would happen at a small european hotel breakfast if someone walked up to the table and took all available rolls, cheese, and jam.

  2. Hey, he probably can't help's probably glandular!

    And remember; more fat rolls mean more places to conceal your firearms. You have a right to do that now, you know!


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