Brain Dead Zombie Plot Dead Ends

Frequent visitors to JustJoeP know that I have a fascination with zombies, and post about them frequently (link here).  I want to clarify that I "had" a fascination with zombies, but that "The Walking Dead" has killed that earlier interest, and now, really, I just want the series to end and all the people to die or get eaten.  The premise has shown its limitations, and instead of interesting with a thread of believability, it has devolved into an unintentional comic farce.

Ok, I get it:
There's a viral break out and people turn into zombies.  ✔
Those zombies then are driven to attack "normal humans" who are not zombies, to "eat them"✔
(this "zombie hunger" premise goes way way back, sometimes to eat all of them, sometimes to eat their brains, but either way, 'a zombie's gotta eat', I get it)
If you cut off a zombie head, the body stops coming after you, but the head is still animated. ✔
(considering "The Matrix" premise of the brain as a powerful battery, ok, I could believe this)
Zombies are attracted to loud noises, machinery, voices, etc, ok. ✔
If you burn a zombie to a crisp, you will stop that zombie. ✔
If you destroy the brain of a zombie (head shot) then you will "kill" that zombie. ✔

Those are the standard zombie rules of the genre.  "The Walking Dead" adds in
Zombies have a keen sense of smell, and if you are smelling all "alive" they will follow their nose and sniff you out.
(highly unlikely...  since their lungs are not drawing in air, but the nasal nerve is a short route to the brain, so maybe...)  maybe...  ✔
Grass and shrubs stop growing, all on their own, instead of overrunning the world. ⬇
Dust is apparently Not ubiquitous in every building they enter. ⬇
Getting splattered by zombie blood in the face (eyes, mouth, nose) is not a source of contamination, and the whole 'Blood Borne Pathogen" standard should be thrown out. ⬇
Everyone is really a zombie, and once they die, they'll reanimate if they are not burnt or head-shotted
(a STRETCHED premise, for sure... but at least they have not reanimated ancient grave yards, only the more recently buried, since the viral outbreak) ⬇
One can stop the onset of becoming a zombie if you amputate the leg of the old veterinarian who was bitten on the ankle.
(maybe, if Herschel had Really Poor Circulation...  then maybe...)  ...maybe ✔
No Matter How Long Ago a person turned into a zombie, they will remain animated, "forever", hungrily seeking out the living to feast upon.  It does not matter if they are rotten down to just 1/2 a torso with flesh falling off their bones, the "zombie-ism" is so strong, the craving for fresh meat so powerful, that they will continue "endlessly" to stumble around and seek out people / animals / anything to eat.  ⬇⬇⬇

It is this last "add in" that REALLY bothers me.  Without respiration & digestion (to bring in nutrients),

"Warm Bodies" Boney Skeletons

or a circulatory system (to deliver nutrients and remove waste products), or an immune system (to repair things that get broken) all the zombies are in the process of decomposing into (eventually) skeletons.  At what point does the zombie brain - starved of all oxygen, water, blood flow, electrolytes & nutrients it needs (since even IF the zombie finds a fresh meal, the zombie cannot digest it) - cease to function as this amazing battery that can over-come rigor-mortise, lactic acid build up, parasitic infestation (not enough emphasis has been placed on flies, rats, and crows, who would have a population explosion with so many slow zombies stumbling around unburied), neuro-muscular decay, et al.  And the digestive tract would slowly eat out all the torsos from the inside, with the hydrochloric acid therein eating through the non-replinished stomach walls - remember, all mitosis has stopped, no new cells are being made or added.  Decay & decomposition are progressing.  Nothing is getting repaired.  Lost parts are not "growing back", zombie wounds are not healing, they're festering.

I could understand a "recent zombie" being a fairly formidable opponent.  But a zombie who has been stumbling around the heat of rural Georgia for more than a year, as anyone who has watched CSI can tell you, would be a goopy mess of skin hanging on bone with not enough remaining muscle tissue to move a single arm, leg, or jaw.  It is this "eternal zombie" paradigm and next week's preview of "we're all haunted" being stated that are making me just want to retch.  Please, kill off all the characters except Michonne and Daryl, and let them go live on an island somewhere.  Everyone else has made some really terrible choices, and should no longer be alive.  End the series soon, like "BReaking BAd" did, and stop trying to milk it.  The first two seasons were ok, but now it is just devolving to a bad comedy.

Maggie's use of a "No Parking" sign as a cleaver was hilarious!  But in a meeting of unsharpened sheet metal vs cervical spinal cord, driven by an angry human (not by a speeding school bus) a decapitation would be highly unlikely, even if the zombie had started to decompose slightly.  It was effective at making me laugh, but not effective as an plausible anti-zombie weapon, in a world governed by physics.

And Maybe that's what really bugs me?  They can screw up the biology to the point where Dr Desert Flower refuses to watch it, but I can still keep watching, suspending disbelief about SOME of the biological aspects, until the point where they mess with physics
- nearly every head shot (no matter how dull of the weapon, or how weakly delivered by the human) easily penetrates zombie skull? ⬇⬇⬇
- no matter how many rounds of bullets are fired, 'The Governor' never got hit? ⬇⬇⬇
- no matter how dull an object, or how weakly it is swung, it can easily decapitate any zombie? ⬇⬇⬇
- Daryl's cross bow bolts can take out hundreds of zombie skulls, unscathed, but miss one squirrel and hit just one tree, and the bolt breaks?  ➵ ⬇⬇⬇
Don't mess with physics.  It's a deal breaker.  Toy with biology...  ok...  but not physics.

Winchester Zombosium

On the BBC World radio broadcast this afternoon, I heard an interview with Dr Marcus Leaning of the University of Winchester, regarding their upcoming Zombosium in Winchester this weekend.  The Zombosium will study the popular appeal and how the media focuses upon zombies in film, TV, youtube, video games, etc. 




Now, before you dismiss this anecdote as "just zombie related", silly & superfluous, I propose the following theorem:  "We are all zombies, or are all fighting against zombies, in one degree or another". 

• If you own your home, is the mortgage underwater?  Or perhaps in a stagnant real estate market where your home's value is not growing? If so, you are a financial zombie.

• If you rent where you live, is your land lord benevolent, accommodating, forgiving, congenial without being over-bearing or intrusive?  Is your rent low, or even reasonable? Or can you not wait until your lease ends and you can get the heck out of there?  If so, you may be a rental zombie, shuffling through time until your lease finally ends.

• If you are fully employed, have you been getting awesome raises each year, with awesome bonuses, that you've worked hard for and have earned?  Or have you worked hard, or maybe hardly worked, and your wages have risen 3%, 1%, or 0%?  If so, you are an indentured zombie; working hard, Fast Zombie like 28 Days Later, hardly working, slow Sean of the Dead like zombies.

• Are you under-employed, or employed in the United States and you have no health insurance, because you don't live in Massachusetts, Vermont, or San Francisco?  You are trying to keep from getting sick because you can't afford a trip to the emergency room?  If so, then you are a zombie-in-waiting, or a "stasis zombie".  One good accident or injury, and you'll fully embrace being a zombie too.

The best Thelma & Scooby depiction, Ever

• If you are a die hard Republican, and you're not LDS or not a Billionaire who has embraced Mitt Romney, and your preferred candidate can't seem to break into double digits in the polls and probably won't even be considered for a vice presidential slot in 2012?  If so, you are somewhat of a conservative zombie.

• If you voted for Barack Obama and hoped for change and a reform of the corrupt federal political system which has strangled the middle class in America, and instead have seen a continuation of Bush's policies, with one iFold after another from your winning President and his party of collapsing spelunkers, and you are more than slightly disappointed at one failure after another to stand up to the orange man, the whiner from Virginia, and the oligarchical fraternity known as The Family?  If so, you are a disillusioned progressive zombie.

So you see, whether you ARE a zombie yourself, or your neighbors have already been bitten by one, or perhaps you have friends or family who have been affected... you are among zombies.  Zombies are not glorious or sexy or attractive in any way.  They are repulsive, nasty and slowly decaying.  Zombies are voracious, and they don't stop, until Winter freezes them, or they decompose to the point of no longer being ambulatory, or you take out their brain stem - the old reptilian vestige that evolved into the wondrous brain bouncing around inside of each of our craniums today.  And having such a zombie threat all around us, that we cannot (legally) lash out against, is more than a little bit frustrating.  So seeing the protagonists in Zombieland, The Walking Dead, or a myriad of other vehicles take out the living dead, fight against the over-whelming forces that are trying to devour them... well...  I can see the appeal in that.


Tip of the hat to Dr Zaius for several of the images on this page.  May he continue to fight against the imposing zombie horde to his last simian breath.

Another AMC Show Perhaps Worth Watching?

Dr Desert Flower and I watched AMC's Breaking Bad, Season 1 on I-tunes download, and it was pretty good, but took a turn for the ridiculous and we lost all empathy for the main character near the end of the season.  Didn't download season 2.  DDF watches Mad Men devotedly, and her mother has attested to the accuracy and efficacy of the ward robes, attitudes, morals, common practices depicted in the series.  As I'm no fan of advertising, I've not embraced the series. 

But zombies?  I love zombie movies, and I feel I am pretty prepared for the eventual zombie invasion that were just one viral mutation away from.  So when our son suggested we record The Walking Dead I agreed wholeheartedly.  Today we watched the first episode, DVR'ed last weekend.  It was pretty good.  There was all the obligatory character development and the struggle of the human soul in extreme adversity.  My son asked me "Dad, could you shoot mom in the head if she had become a zombie?"  To which I instantly responded "Yes, if she was absolutely, without a doubt, a zombie, I'd shoot her in the head to put her out of her misery."  You can imagine my annoyance at one of the secondary characters who struggled with shooting his former-wife-now-staggering-and-gaunt-zombie via sniper rifle.  She's just gonna try and eat you!  Put her down!

Later in the episode, I made a note to self: "get a gas siphon". Really stinks to run out of gas in the middle of a zombie apocalypse without a siphon!  And trying to siphon by mouth tastes terrible and can lead to mouth cancer - no thanks.  There's zombies to take out!

The zombies are gruesome and realistic.  The character development of the non zombies is thorough, and I guess, heart warming, in some ways...  but I really love the zombie attack scenes, and wide angle panning and detail.  Done superbly.  When such nice people in such a pretty place run into such terribly hideous things.  I think we'll be watching more of these DVR'ed episodes.

Note: on the movie poster.. I have driven into Atlanta on all 6 interstate approaches... and several US Highway approaches... and none of them have a 5 lane, no guard rail, railway side that I can recall (and it doesn't meet NHTSA requirements).  But it is eerily depicted.

CDC's Zombie Invasion Preparedness Plan

On Thursday, NPR played a story (link here) about how the CDC's disaster preparedness website had recommendations on it about what to do in case of a Zombie Invasion (link here). It's a great way to get through to the attention-span-of-a-gnat masses - you know, those people who are fans of Survivor, Americans at Idle, Jersey Shore (or anything MTV has on in the last 15 years), Cougar Town, Deadliest Catch, QVC, WWF, Fox, NASCAR, or any Dancing, Talent, or Reality Show.

Excerpts from the CDC site's recommendations are here:

1. Identify the types of emergencies that are possible in your area. Besides a zombie apocalypse, this may include floods, tornadoes, or earthquakes. If you are unsure contact your local Red Cross chapter for more information.
2. Pick a meeting place for your family to regroup in case zombies invade your home…or your town evacuates because of a hurricane. Pick one place right outside your home for sudden emergencies and one place outside of your neighborhood in case you are unable to return home right away.
3. Identify your emergency contacts. Make a list of local contacts like the police, fire department, and your local zombie response team. Also identify an out-of-state contact that you can call during an emergency to let the rest of your family know you are ok.
4. Plan your evacuation route. When zombies are hungry they won’t stop until they get food (i.e., brains), which means you need to get out of town fast! Plan where you would go and multiple routes you would take ahead of time so that the flesh eaters don’t have a chance! This is also helpful when natural disasters strike and you have to take shelter fast.

Beautifully written!  Hilarious that the site was so popular, that the CDC's website CRASHED and burned the first day the zombie plan was posted.  The list of items to have for disaster preparedness, I am pleased to say we have most of them in a large rubber-maid container stored in a closet.

Assemble the following items to create kits for use at home, the office, at school and/or in a vehicle: (We've got the BOLD items already prepared.... man, I feel like a Mormon sometimes)

• Water—one gallon per person, per day (3­day supply for evacuation, 2­week supply for home)
• Food—non­perishable, easy­to­prepare items (3­day supply for evacuation, 2­week supply for home)
• Flashlight
• Battery­powered or hand­crank radio (NOAA Weather Radio, if possible)
• Extra batteries
• First aid kit
• Medications (7­day supply) and medical items
• Multi­purpose tool
• Sanitation and personal hygiene items
• Copies of personal documents (medication list and pertinent medical information, proof of address, deed/lease to home, passports, birth certificates, insurance policies)
• Cell phone with chargers
• Family and emergency contact information
• Extra cash
• Emergency blanket
• Map(s) of the area

Consider the needs of all family members and add supplies to your kit. Suggested items to help meet additional needs are:

• Medical supplies (hearing aids with extra batteries, glasses, contact lenses, syringes, cane)
• Baby supplies (bottles, formula, baby food, diapers)
• Games and activities for children
• Pet supplies (collar, leash, ID, food, carrier, bowl, litter boxes, litter)
• Two­way radios
• Extra set of car keys and house keys
• Manual can opener

Additional supplies to keep at home or in your kit based on the types of disasters common to your area:

• Whistle
• N95 or surgical masks
• Matches
• Rain gear
• Towels
• Work gloves
• Tools/supplies for securing your home
• Extra clothing, hat and sturdy shoes
• Plastic sheeting
• Duct tape
• Scissors
• Household liquid bleach
• Entertainment items
• Blankets or sleeping bags
• AMMO (lots of ammo)

It's never a bad thing to be prepared.  Here in western Phoenix, we are Above the 100 year flood plain, 50 feet above the Aqua Fria (which typically is a dry river bed), on a relatively stable seismic zone, where tornadoes are incredibly rare.  We DO get alot of lightening and wind, but that is no reason for evacuation.  Worst thing that could happen, other than a zombie invasion, would be a nuclear melt down from the Palo Verdae 4GW reactor 40 miles SW of town.  Hopefully, none of those will come into being.

Zombie Fish?

Do Zombie Fish enjoy eating Brain Coral? I do not know.

If you are in Virgin Islands National Park, on the underwater snorkeling trail, keep an eye out for the Zombie Fish. If you see one, try to swim slowly, and breathe gradually, staggering slightly from left to right, as if you are a brain seeking zombie too!

Garlic Is Powerful Stuff

Anti bacterial, anti viral, anti fungal... it's good stuff (link here). And, when I was a kid, I remember an episode of "The Night Stalker" (link here) where Kolchak had to go into a junk yard, open up a coffin in a hearse that had a resting zombie in it, put garlic in the zombie's mouth, and then sew the lips shut "to kill it" - so it may have anti-Zombie properties too!

Check out the herbal remedies for athlete's foot and head lice, in the link above.

Zombie Survival & Defense Wiki

Thanks to my buddy Zim for this gem. I laugh everytime I see it. There's some great graphics on the WIKI page here, with riot gear troopers on Segways, forks stabbed into zombie heads, hot babes with automatic weapons. Be prepared for Z-day! Viva Humanity!

Playable online games to hone your zombie killing skills (kind of lame) and time wasters here.

Zombieland!

Readers of my blog are familiar with my zombie fascination. My son and I went to see a matinee of Zombieland this afternoon. HILARIOUS! I have not laughed that hard at a movie in a long time. Greatly exceeded expectations. Not only was it funny, but it was also quite pragmatic for the coming zombie invasion.

Fall Back Position - Gun Instructor

In the same vein of "Preparedness" and "Fun", I participated in a "Fun After Work Activity" with Dr Desert Flower's laboratory yesterday at Shooter's World in west central Phoenix.  1/2 a dozen of her lab co-workers came to shoot hand guns at the range. Some of the participants had never shot a gun before in their life.  It was Dr Desert Flower's second time shooting.  Glock 9mm, 40 cal, and Sig 9mms were fired, and various mugger and zombie targets were sighted. 

I found that I really enjoyed instructing new shooters about weapon safety, and basic operations.  The transformation I witnessed first hand, of seeing a person go from being FRIGHTENED of a fire arm (loaded, or unloaded), to being able to load and fire the weapon, to being able to show other newbies how to handle the weapon, provided me with tremendous satisfaction.  One of DDF's coworkers was so frightened of the Glock initially, that she treated it like a scorpion at first, afraid it would sting her.  This was very similar to DDF's first time at the range, and I as able to show her how the gun functioned, how to load it, how to unload it, how to verify that it was loaded or if it was unloaded, how the semi-auto reloading mechanism worked, how to use the sights, etc.  After discharging a clip of rounds into a zombie target, the newbie's tension and fear began to dissolve as a healthy respect for the weapon and its capabilities was formed.  DDF was even able to provide a degree of instruction to others, with her own familiarization.

The satisfaction I got from seeing this progress, was immeasurable.  This is true or both the immediate effect - decrease of fear & increase of respect at the range - as well as the lasting effects of understanding the weapon's capabilities, and reduction of stress that such an understanding and respect carries.  During the last business trip I took before showing DDF how to use the weapon, she expressed a great deal of concern about her personal safety here in our neighborhood as Maricopa County and Phoenix City police helicopters circled over the sub division late at night looking for suspects and miscreants.  After I showed her how to use the weapon at the range, her fear abated and stress level decreased.  I watched a similar progression with her newbie co-workers yesterday as they became more familiar with each firearm.  Someday when I retire in my 70s or 80s, I may take up being a shooting range instructor.

On a side note, the rented Sig Sauer 9mm was an amazing quality firearm.  Smooth magazine loading, very smooth trigger action, minimal recoil, excellent accuracy.  Very impressive.  Like butter.  It made my Glock 9mm feel very "clunky" and coarse.  Of course the Swiss Sig costs twice as much as a Glock.  Both are fine firearms, but the Sig made a great first impression.

The Walking Dud

Back in the Fall of 2010, I was eager to watch AMC's new series, The Walking Dead.  Then, in February of 2012, my interest sadly began to wane.  Now, this season, each episode bounces between
- poorly written
- laughably dumb
- idiotic choices, made by
- unlikable / un-relatable / unsympathetic characters
I am not saying that writing for a apocalyptic zombie series is easy, but the producers and writers of The Walking Dead have got to stop listening to their focus groups (which lead them to kill off the unlikeable Lori last season) and start writing more logical, believable dialogues, plot lines, and characters.

The awesome Tumblr Ilovecharts once said:

But now the magenta bar has grown to fill more than 3/4rds of each episode.  Dr Desert Flower refuses to watch it with me, as it is medically & scientifically impossible and the characters' speeches are inane.  I Fast-Forward through every scene with 'The Governor' and Andrea, as I could not care less.  Andrew Lincoln's British take on a delusional rural Georgian Sheriff has become strained at best, and when he tries to "dumb down" his accent in an 'I don't know' chain-link fence conversation with the patronly vet  Herschel he comes across as developmentally disabled, instead of borderline psychotic.

One bright spot is Norman Reedus as Darly Dixon, who is surprisingly one of the few redeeming characters in the whole show.  Michael Rooker's Merle just needs to be bitten, and taken out, as does the entire population of Woodbury.  Danai Gurira's Michonne character is being squandered in a deluge of sulking and silence, when (I've heard from my friends who have read them) she plays a MUCH BIGGER role in the comic books on which the series is based.

Leave Lori dead (and eaten, thank you).  If her widow Rick wants to run after psychotic hallucinations of her, have him get bitten and killed.  If 'The Governor' and his band of "deadly marksmen against the national guard, but inept against prison inhabiting civilians" show up, have them be consistent.  They either kill everyone, or they all get killed.  Dodge Ram pickup truck doors can't stop M4 full metal jacketed rounds.  If you're gonna beat the hell out of Steven Yeun, and give him a severe concussion, he needs to act concussed.   While Herschel's amputated leg LOOKS authentically shorter, Merle's hand-in-a-metal-sheath prosthesis isn't fooling anyone.

In season one, the very first zombie Sheriff Rick ever kills, he does so with a face shield (proper PPE) and a base ball bat.   Now, everyone is stompin, punchin, kicking, bludgeoning zombies one after another without any regard to how bone fragments can cut you, how decomp splatter can get in your eyes, mouth, or nose (or Any open wound you've sustained), and every single episode is a cross-contamination farce.

I had high hopes, but they're dashed.  I can watch an episode now on DVR in about 15 minutes.  Oh well.  But like any train wreck...  I want to see how it "ends", so I'll keep fast forwarding until they conclude the series.  Hopefully, with all the main characters getting eaten.

Black Lodge Yelp Review, or David Lynch At His Worst

Last weekend, Dr Desert Flower and I spent many hours finishing watching the 1990-91 Twin Peaks CBS television series, on Netflix.  DDF was resting after an outpatient procedure, and I was icing a pinched left elbow bursa that was jammed between the left arm-rest and the Delta 737-800's fuselage on row 14A, after we flew from LAX to Covington Kentucky on July 2nd for DDF's best friend's birthday party.  We were stationary humans last weekend, with considerable time on our hands.  Then, late last Saturday night, we began watching the 2017 Showtime series "Twin Peaks The Return" upon multiple recommendations of DDF's friends and co-workers who heaped high praise upon David Lynch's new work.  (Rotten Tomatoes has their reviews of them here: link, though I vehemently disagree with the tremendously positively reviews you'll find there)

The original 1990s TV series was not bad.  Some slow parts, some meaningless parts, far too many teenage-angst-romance sub-plots that now, as a man in his 50s, I could not care less about... but all in all, not a bad two seasons.  You find out who All killed Laura Palmer, you find out about the nature of the pervasive evil "Bob" represents, and there's a whole bunch of little side plots that progress nicely; many of them wrapped up with a neat bow, some of them left open ended.  DDF and I hoped that the 2017 follow-up would close those open loops.  That was a false hope that never came to fruition.

Instead, we got introduced to Dougie Jones, who when spoken to, repeated the last few words annoyingly.  Repeated the last few words, annoyingly.  This got really old fast. Really old fast.  It was not germane to what was happening back in Twin Peaks, and by all means, appeared to be completely irrelevant.  Completely irrelevant.  I would have rather had another teenage love triangle plot line instead of static-filled Dougie's scenes of endless fragmented repetition. Fragmented repetition.

Then, instead of Twin Peaks Washington, there was a major shocking sub-plot in the imaginary "Buck Horn South Dakota".  [Twin Peaks WA doesn't exist either, but was filmed in Snoqualmine, North Bend, and Fall City WA as well as Malibu CA]  How Buck Horn ties into Twin Peaks, no one figures out.  How does the hole-in-the-wall NYC high rise mutilation tie into anything, no one knows.  How does static-filled Dougie Jones in Las Vegas tie into Twin Peaks Washington, still, no one knows.  Very little happened in Twin Peaks in the 2017 series.  Most of it was putting you to sleep in NYC, scaring you in South Dakota, or making your eyes roll in Las Vegas.

All of this was very Lynchian, disjointed, fragmented, bizarre, mysterious, but it was watchable for the most part until the final episode.  New characters got introduced.  Some of them got killed,  Many good comedians played non-comedic parts.  Lynch pulled out all of his favorite actors and put them in the line-up who were still alive.  That is... until the final episode.  The final episode, for the first 20 minutes (the first 1/3rd), was a real episode.  There was plot, dialogue, progression, continuity... for the most part.  After the 20th or 22nd minute, the rest of the final episode became a masterbation exercise by David Lynch, a platform for him to take Eraserhead (or Labyrinth Man if you're in France) to the next level of inane, unfathomable, nauseatingly stagnant and boring "art expression" that drives an intelligent viewer mad.  I am so glad we watched it for free on our "Free Showtime Trial" which we will cancel next week.

Nuclear explosions in the New Mexico desert... is the mushroom cloud the one armed man's missing arm that is also a stunted growth and leafless sycamore tree in the Black Lodge who crackles with electricity?   Are the ubiquitous and ever-flowing red curtains of the Black Lodge representative of the blood that flows when evil manifests itself in the material world, or the fireballs of nuclear fission?  Are the shadowy black-and-white mobs of "woodsmen" who come out of no where and dive upon motionless, shot, evil, mulleted Dale Cooper in league with the nicotine zombie who takes over AM radio?  The crazy golden shovel Twin Peaks psychiatrist who rants on AM radio, is he supposed to analogous to the nicotine zombie guy?  The doppelgänger who turned into a small golden pea / pellet, is that related to the flying frog creature that hatched on a nearly black screen after the second nuclear explosion?

If those were the only questions, ok, I could grapple with it and wait and see for the next season.  BUT, those snippets took painstaking, excruciatingly slow minutes to get to, as characters slowly, slowly, slowly ascended stairs, or stared into nothingness, or gathered around an inanimate object that made no sense whatsoever.  "Meticulous" is how the Nerdist called these scenes.  Excruciatingly painful while-at-the-same-time eye-lollingly boring was how DDF and I saw it.  We'd fast forward at 4X or 8X for 15 or 30 seconds, and oh-my-gosh, the heavy-set lady had made it to the other side of the room.  Another 15 or 30 seconds, and the elderly giant had turned, 90 degrees.  Another 15 or 30 seconds, and the lady stares at the golden orb.  Arrrrghhhhh!

The final episode of the 1991 series had Kyle MacLaughlin running around the Black Lodge for about 5 minutes too long.  The final episode of the 2017 series had David Lynch and a team of special effects technicians running around for 35 minutes too long, tediously.  I could not care less if Showtime's Twin Peaks continues, or falls on its sword and goes away.  I've wasted far too many minutes of my life watching David Lynch's work on my TV, atrophying my brain.  "Has it given you nightmares?" ... one of DDF's friends asked us.  No, it's made my eyes tired from rolling (Anderson Cooper style), and it's motivated me to warn others to not waste their time watching something that'll squander their time and neurons...  unless... perhaps, they're on acid, and want to enhance their trip, or they're taking a contemporary art class and are forced to watch it as a class assignment.

No thanks.  I have a sock drawer I need to rearrange, or a garage to clean, or a thousand other things to do that are a much better use of my time.

Warren Kimble's Disturbing Work

I am staying at a Hampton Inn that is blanketed with Warren Kimble's disturbing work, and every time I see one of his primitive human figures, disproportionate landscapes populated by stick figure trees, or non isometric barns / homes/ buildings, it's a cross between cringing, wincing, shuddering, and a thorough sense of revulsion.  Kimble's website lists his work as "American folk art", but I see it as a twisted expression of an elderly mind who sees the world and paints it in a way tremendously skewed from what I consider beautiful, expressive, pleasing, or artistic.  He touches a nerve, but it's like the nerve that is touched during a root canal, or nails down a black board, or the stench of the East Chicago waste water treatment plant, or decomp.

Take for example the painting of what might be a "girl" that greets me each time I exit the elevator.  Creepy.  I can't tell if it's a "she", an achondroplasic, a person with fragile X, a mennonite zombie, or all 4 mixed together.  I do not see the image as beautiful, and I've taken to intentionally averting my eyes.  On his buildings, every single building shows two sides with identically sized and shaped rectangular windows  that deny any kind of correct perspective.  Every tree I've seen on nearly a dozen "paintings" in this hotel is a gravity and wind defying thin 'stick figure' with identical 'umbrella like' foliage.  I sketched things in 3rd and 4th grade that were better quality, more pleasing to the eye, and less disturbing.

People actually pay money for this?  .  They are ubiquitous in this hotel.  Hallways, my room, my bath room, the exercise room, the breakfast area & lobby, Ew.  I am not an "art critic" any more than I am a "wine connoisseur" ... I just know what I like, and I can Definitely tell what I DON'T Like.  Warren Kimble's work falls into the latter category.

The Balkun Brothers' Beautifully Blended Devil on TV

Dr Desert Flower and I recently visited our son in beautiful Charleston South Carolina.  While we there, my son gave me a CD by the Balkun Brothers Devil on TV.  Our son's company had helped facilitate a recent live show by the Balkun Brothers, and he was impressed by their music that he snapped up a CD for his old father who is not on Spotify, iTunes, Pandora, or any other platform that monitors what a human listens to and then tries to market to them; my son knows his father.  He also knows great music when he hears it, as he's a remarkable drummer in his own right (with a faster bass drum foot and more speed metal stamina than his dad, but I've still got him on the 26 standard NARD rudiments. ... and I do miss having bonus-room-over-the-garage drum set duels with him, as we used to do when we lived in South Carolina).

As I was installing window blinds this morning here in California in our new house, I put the Devil on TV CD into the home sound system's CD player, not knowing WHAT to expect.  It might be good, it might not be my thing, but keeping an open mind.  I was blown away.

If you wanted to create the Balkun Brothers music in a laboratory, this might be one recipe that would approximate their sound:
- Start with The Heavy, used as the base stock, but remove the UK and make it home grown American (open track "Don't Be Afraid" is VERY The Heavy like in many ways, as is So Hi, So Lo)
- Add in the following bands in different amounts, based upon your own palate:  RHCP (Flea and Chad), Rollins Band, a healthy dose of Muddy Waters, Lenny from Motorhead, old Yes, a teaspoon of Primus, a few drops of Morphine, an extract of the Black Keys without the mainstream commercialization, essence of Rob Zombie without the shock value, a touch of Mike Giles from King Crimson crossed with John Dolmayan from SOAD mixed with Matt Cameron from Soundgarden, steamed and condensed STP without the heroine, and the soul of Chris Cornell's voice.
- Then, and this is the truly amazing part that I still cannot understand... remove ALL the band members except for the two brothers, Steve and Nick, since they produce all the sound.

I'm impressed, and hooked (listening the the CD on repeat for the 4th time as I write this).  I will seek out the other works as well.  The Balkun Brothers are currently playing in New England and will be headed to Europe at the end of the month.  You would not be wasting your time nor money to go see them.  Highly recommended.

https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=blakun+brothers
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5xnLNTlhRcU
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YRZmXKhUzSk

Zombie Holiday Tips

Team Unicorn is Hilarious!

Use The Dumpster For Support

If you have to lop off a droopy Mexican fence post cactus arm that has started an inexorable slow-motion downward trajectory (that takes weeks or months to droop), it is best to use your rolling 96 gallon city dumpster for support, underneath the arm, before you lop it off with a sharp Colombian Inconel machete.

Have the foresight to place newspapers under the cactus arm, and you'll find it easier to pick up the amputated arm, and transplant it (note the black 5 gallon bucket in the lower right hand corner of the photo).  In the case of this arm, it was about 4 inches (100 mm or so) lower than the top of the dumpster's lid, but I used the newspaper to lift up the arm, and gently roll the dumpster just beneath it.   

After this recent amputation, I DID NOT take the extra step of drying out the arms before planting, as the DBG had previously advised.  I did that in years past, and it proved futile in avoiding bacterial infections that turn the cactus arms black at the tip and then slowly destroy the transplant.  I had to bury 4 of my children the week before, that were nearly 2 years old, when I found all 4 of their tips rotted with the black ooze.  We'll see if this 4 foot long arm thrives and sprouts new children, or if it rots from within as the other children have.

Thanks again to Dr.Claudia for the awesome machete she gave to me dozens of years ago.  It remains one of the most handy and frequently used tools in my garage.  I do hope I don't have to use it in a Zombie Apocalypse any time soon. 

Next Year, Christmas 2010 Gift Idea

It's logical, green, useful, and everyone should have one.
A human powered low voltage, 2.5Watt device charger (link here).
They're asking $150 for them this year, as it's a start up company, and demand will out-strip supply. Next year, I estimate they'll be 1/2 as expensive - or at least much more available.

Helpful after the next terrorist attack, EMP discharge, hurricane, ice storm, or zombie invasion. =)

Retrospective Thanks '10

As I sit with my family, watching a Jim Carrey movie on DVR, while digesting

- organic, free range, farmer's market whole chicken slow roasted with butter & with hand-picked rosemary from our front yard rosemary bush this morning
- hormone & anti-biotic free spiral cut ham from Trader Joe's
- sweet potatoes that I peeled this morning
- green bean casserole
- French champagne (blog posting later)
- a Tassimo brewed espresso with Van Gogh caramel vodka (Total Wine had a buy-one get one free double box set)
...I've been thinking about how much I have to be thankful for this Thanksgiving. 

• Our son is here, recovering from his car / bike accident, able to speak and walk and "back to normal".
• Our home, though massively underwater, is a safe, warm, nice place to live - and defend-able from the coming zombie apocalypse (as long as they don't bring large rocks to smash the windows, or there's not more than 30 or 40 of them).
• My pre-diabetic condition is gone now that I've banished grains and nearly all carbs from my daily intake, and I've never been healthier in my whole life (and that includes high school and college years)
• My wife - who puts up with me, bless her - is happily employed and appreciated in her job as a scientist.
• I'm still gainfully employed, and able to work from home, with a team of talented young engineers.in India and the Eastern US ...and I've just been given a new 'special assignment' by my general manager on an interesting aspect of the business.
• I've still got the nicest and smartest friends from High School - many of who used to be in Science club (GRAMs) or Band or both with me
• My best friend for the last 30 years became a dad this year in Atlanta and I've never seen him happier.
• My old friends from HS were there for me this year when my son nearly killed himself on his bike in October.  I cannot thank you all enough for being there when I needed you.
• I did not have to bury my cat this year when she got a severe infection, had surgery, and has now fully recovered.
• I got to swim 2 weeks earlier in April and through the beginning of October with my fully functional homemade solar pool heater.
• I was able to do yoga poolside, in shorts this afternoon (while the chicken was roasting) with dragon flies and humming birds flying sorties around me.
• I'm still able to donate blood ever 8 weeks, and have no plans on discontinuing the practice.
• Arizona's state Science and Engineering Fair is coming up in April 2011 and I'm organizing the Engineering Judging effort, and I got the Director of the State Board of Technical Registration to include a note about judges volunteering in the up-coming January newsletter that gets mailed to thousands of registered engineers statewide.
• We were able to ADD our son to my wife's company provided health care insurance coverage for 2011 - because she works at a health care company (my employer's health insurance wouldn't allow it since he doesn't live with us), and because the DEMOCRATS passed health insurance reform which the Republi-tards now want to repeal?!?!
• We've got a fridge full of left over ham, green beans, sweet potatoes, normal whipped potatoes (that I peeled as well, but did not partake of) and other fixins that'll last through the end of the month.

Life is pretty good. It's not awesome, but it's not merde either, and compared to where I was 4, or 8, or 16 years ago... it's quite an improvement.

Be well my friends.

Threadless Zombies

 
Last Year, my son and I enjoyed watching Zombieland in the theater. It was hilarious. This year, for Christmas, my son got me a "In Case Of Zombies" T-shirt from Threadless[TM] and the "Zombie Awareness Council".  Last year, I would have fit in an Extra Large comfortably.   This year, a Medium would fit much better- thanks to the good example my friends Ron and Matt showed me.  The extra large fits me more like a kaftan, but that's fine for sleeping.

#5 "Show No Mercy. She's Not Your Mother Anymore" - LOL!

#6 - looks like Dale Gribble

#8 - nice use of a cricket bat.

Zombie Evolution

This made me laugh the first time I saw it... and I smile each time I see it there-after.

1st Five Guys

After our Vulture Peak Hike last Thursday, Nathan Jr and I stopped in Surprise AZ at the new Five Guys hamburger restaurant that opened up there several months ago.  We'd heard rave reviews, and while my son had tried Five Guys at the Washington Airport on a layover a few years ago, I'd not sampled this famous food that I'd previously heard so much about.

We arrived at Late Late lunch, nearly 3pm, usually a lull point in most hamburger joints.  There were only 2 people in line ahead of us.  Copious peanut containers were available, if we wanted to deshell our own peanuts, but we chose not to.  We'd heard the "fries are amazing!" but they're also coated in peanut oil and laden with superfluous carbs.   Since a "single serving" is about 1 gallon of fries, we opted to just get bacon double cheeseburgers, and drink our left-over hiking water out on the veranda.  Total wallet damage was $15.23 (or $6.89/burger + draconian & regressive AZ sales tax).  The cook your burger and make it to order as you wait, to your specifications, so there's no burgers "under heat lamps".  I had them put lettuce, pickles, and mushrooms on my burger.  Nathan Jr had lettuce, tomato, mushrooms, jalapenos and green peppers.  They'll put however number of toppings you want on your burger, no questions or arguments.  If you want 4 slices of cheese, they'll slab on 4 slices of yellow "American Cheese".  You want triple jalapenos?  triple jalapenos it shall be. 

While this is an interesting and alluring aspect that "goes beyond" the "special orders don't upset us" motto of  Burger King, most Americans apparently have no editing mechanism, and go "hog wild" on multiple extra toppings at Five Guys.  While eating adjacent to the parking lot, we were witness to a 1/2 dozen SUVs ooze out their baleen-like (baleen is French for "whale") denizens.  Normal sized teenage girls, with middle aged +180 lbs mom, and +200 lbs grandma with a knee brace, massively bulging cankles, four pointed cane, and severe physical exertion to struggle the 30 feet from SUV parking space to Five Guys door, which she barely fit through.  Young teenagers... your genetic future awaits you, predictably.  My son and I were - by visual evidence - the lowest body fat percentage humans in the whole place, which probably had about 80 people in it by the time we left. 

I enjoyed my burger, but there was no forks or knives available with which to eat the cheesy, bacon-y, mushroom-y contents and discard the buns, so I ate about 1/2 the top and bottom buns, and all the juicy goodness in-between.  I watched customer after customer get massive bags of fries refilled (free refills, I've been told), and most large customers gorged on peanuts while they waited the 5 to 8 minutes it took the 4 cooks to rapidly grill and make their made-to-order burgers.  Nathan Jr enjoyed his as well, and agreed that it 'hit the spot' after a long hike and climb, as a late lunch.  If I go back to Five Guys, I'll take my own knife & fork, and try not to focus on the morbidly obese fellow customers shuffling, zombie like, all around me.