Monday, December 31, 2012

Not Worthy!

The nice guys down at Stone Brewery in Escondido put a diatribe (their label, not mine) on the back of their "Double Bastard" ale (link here).   I thoroughly enjoyed my son's reading it the night we got home from the brewery last week.  I laughed heartily as I read it to Dr Desert Flower last night.   There's more 25 cent words in here than Dr Paul R of I.U. could ever accuse me of having a penchant for using.  DDF pondered if maybe I'd written it in my sleep, or had a second job working in the San Diego North Country on the sly.   I postulated that this sort of diatribe is what you get when :
a) you make delicious craft beer, And are not a soul-less, heartless, corporate profit driven machine, beholden only to share holders
b) you have too much time on your hands
c) have former English majors and poets working in a brewery.

Double Bastard Ale
Warning: Double Bastard Ale is not to be wasted on the tentative or weak. Only the Worthy are invited, and then only at your own risk. If you have even a modicum of hesitation, DO NOT buy this bottle. Instead, leave it for a Worthy soul who has already matriculated to the sublime ecstasy of what those in the know refer to as "Liquid Arrogance."

This is one lacerative muther of an ale. It is unequivocally certain that your feeble palate is grossly inadequate and thus undeserving of this liquid glory...and those around you would have little desire to listen to your resultant whimpering. Instead, you slackjawed gaping gobemouche, slink away to that pedestrian product that lures agog the great unwashed with the shiny happy imagery of its silly broadcast propaganda. You know, the one that offers no challenge, yet works very, very hard to imbue the foolhardy with the absurd notion that they are exercising ‘independent’ thought, or attempts to convey the perception it is in some way ‘authentic’ or ‘original.’ It’s that one that makes you feel safe and delectates you into basking in the warm, fuzzy, and befuddled glow of your own nescience. Why so many allow themselves to be led by the nose lacks plausible explanation. Perhaps you have been so lulled by the siren song of ignorance that you don’t even notice your white-knuckle grip on it. You feel bold and unique, but alas are nothing but sheep, willingly being herded to and fro. If you think you are being piqued in this text, it is nothing when compared to the insults we are all asked to swallow streaming forth from our televisions and computers. Truth be told, you are being coddled into believing you are special or unique by ethically challenged “pay no attention to the man behind the curtain” marketers who layer (upon layer) imagined attributes specifically engineered to lead you by the nose. Should you decide to abdicate your ability to make decisions for yourself, then you are perhaps deserving of the pabulum they serve. Double Bastard Ale calls out the garrulous caitiffs who perpetrate the aforementioned atrocities and demands retribution for their outrageously conniving, intentionally misleading, blatantly masturbatory and fallacious ad campaigns. We demand the unmitigated, transparent truth. We demand forthright honesty. We want justice! Call ‘em out and line ‘em up against the wall... NOW.
I admit, I had to look up "gobemouche" as I had not used it in a sentence previously...  but "I got" the rest of the diatribe.  And I agree with it, completely.  
When DDF and I picked up our friends Ame & Zim from the airport Saturday evening, and I inquired to the front desk for a list of restaurants and drink establishments, my eyes (and heart) instantly went to the listing on the "surf city" pamphlet for "Hunnington Beach Brewery", just two blocks away.  DDF, Ame & Zim concurred with my selection, and we enjoyed delicious Ales, Stouts (Russian Imperial), and Porters (Noel Gulden Porter) with our dinner. I'd sampled the HB Imperial Stout AT Stone Brewery just 2 days prior - "a rising tide raises all boats" - Stone encourages all of it's visitors to embrace Craft beer and throw off the oppressive yoke of corporate InBev evil.
I thank Stone Brewery's Phillip Macnitt (Lead Indoctrination Specialist), Mike Martinez, and tour guide Nickie Pena (Indoctrination Specialist) for opening my eyes to the reality that is high quality Craft beer. My purchasing habits and perspective will never be the same again.

1 comment:

  1. If you haven't seen it, check out Beer Wars:

    A good overview of the concentration in the industry and the challenges that craft brewers face.


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